Thursday, March 6, 2014

Round 3

I can't believe it has been an entire month since I have been on here! Actually, I kind of can. There has obviously been a lot going on here for us. I am over the moon excited about having the miracle of life happening inside of me once again, but at the same time it has also been a whirlwind of scary and unpredictable thoughts and emotions. Not to mention doing two first trimesters of a pregnancy in a row has been a little bit exhausting to say the least. Did I love seeing those two pink lines on that pregnancy test that I couldn't wait just a few more days to take? Absolutely. I wanted it so badly it hurt. Did it also remind me of the little baby that was supposed to still be growing in my tummy? Of the time that I went to see Kevin for lunch and surprised him with a positive pregnancy test in a paper bag? Of the thoughts and expectations of Ellie with a new baby in her life? All of it and more. Did I smile ear to ear and have my full heart filled up even more with love than I thought ever possible when I saw that little being dancing around on the ultrasound? You bet. But that same heart that is full of love also ached in pain from the little hole that Grace left in it as I remembered her in the exam room. And I almost passed out from holding my breath in fear as I waited to see what that tiny new baby would look like on the screen. I over analyzed every movement, every still photo snapped, every length of time spent examining. That has just been the reality of things this third time around. Any exciting and joyful event one would experience with a pregnancy has also been accompanied by sheer terror and an array of sad thoughts. I miss the naive innocence I had with my pregnancy with Ellie. I miss Grace.

But I am pregnant again, and I am so very excited. I have been going back and forth for some time now, wanting to shout my news from the rooftops one moment and then wanting to keep it a secret until I am holding a baby in my arms the next.
I had this announcement all ready for Valentine's Day but then chickened out.
We found out we were expecting again on December 8th. It was so fun to actually take the test with Kevin and Ellie there, since it happened by myself the last two times. We both had a good feeling about it, and even though it was still a few days early, I convinced Kevin to take me to the store to buy a stick.
I had the first appointment an agonizing three and a half weeks later, on New Year's Eve. It was a bit stressful since Kevin had just accepted his new job and I had to go alone. All went well, but the tiny nugget was measuring a little bit smaller than we had thought. My due date was set for August 23rd.
Our little summer babe! Or blob. I still love that blob just the same though.
My amazing vacation to Hawaii was met with some unwanted, yet expected, morning sickness and fatigue. Having Kelci there was seriously a life saver. Some might say that I shouldn't complain, that I should be happy to have felt these things because it meant that I was pregnant. I say that's not fair, and I am going to bitch about it like anyone else might ;) nausea and exhaustion are not fun! Is it all worth it in the end though? Of course, it is more than worth it.
About 9 weeks in beautiful, sunny Hawaii.
12 weeks.
14 weeks.
15 weeks.
I have been feeling pretty good so far with this pregnancy. Aside from some normal nausea and wanting to take a nap for pretty much just the rest of my life, as well as the added nerves, it has all been going smoothly. I just can't wait for August when I can meet this little person at last.
The bebe. We have been calling it Bambean because we don't know whether to put an a or an o on the end :)