Today has been, as expected, a pretty hard day. Not as hard as I have been anticipating it to be though. I guess I never really expected her to make her big debut exactly on today anyway, so it has really just been the last month or so in general that has been tough all around, knowing that she could have been here this day, or that day. Seeing so many other little newborns making their way into the world, but not mine. Adorable names, first photos, first sibling moments. Today was once a day I looked forward to. The day that my pregnancy app counted down to. The day on my calendar that I would check periodically and count days and weeks from while attempting to guess when my baby would actually make it's appearance.
Now it is a day to remember her by. Kevin lit her candle this morning, and it will burn all day long. I have thought about her a lot, and have been giving Ellie extra hugs, kisses and I love you's. I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. Would she have looked like Ellie?
I find that it has really been awkward when strangers ask me that all too familiar question of "is this your first baby?" My answer so far has simply been "no, it is my third." I'm not sure why it feels so strange. She will always be my second baby, even if I don't get to hold her, or see her or talk to her. I am hoping this will get easier with time.
I love her so very much, and I always will.
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