Saturday, November 16, 2013

Ellie's Love

Okay, so I wasn't kidding when I said that this blog would most likely be filled with an abundance of photos of Ellie. While this little human pretty much became my whole world the moment that I found out she was growing inside of me, it has really been lately that her existence has meant everything to me. She keeps me going. Grieving the loss of your baby is in the best words I can even come up with to describe it, indescribable. Helpful isn't it? Honestly though, if you have not experienced such a loss, you will not get the insurmountable amount of pain, longing, emptiness, anger, confusion, or pretty much any other terrible emotion you can come up with simply from having it explained to you. I will save this topic for another post though, where I will do my best to put my experience into words. It is, as most would at least assume, debilitating. To intensify the issue, in a time where I might normally get all of my support from my other half, this loss has actually created an unpredictable tension between my husband and I that has been leaving me grateful that the simple presence of my little girl keeps me going every day. I have no doubt that Kevin and I have the strength to work through this with time and that this conflict is a normal part of grieving, but it is still extremely painful and terrifying when there are moments of tension and conflict with that one person you need comfort from the most. Which is where Ellie has been coming in to save the day for me lately.

I believe it is a combination of the more obvious, her simply sweet and quirky personality, and the fact that she is in need of my love and attention to keep her alive and well. It is my job to be her mom. I love my job, and it keeps me getting out of bed in the morning every day. Literally, that girl has zero patience these days and if I am not in her room before I even have the chance to fully wake up and use the bathroom, well lets just say I really didn't need to buy that baby monitor to hear what is going on in there after all. While taking care of another human life, and a toddler's in particular, is very demanding, it keeps me busy in a positive way. Just when I don't think I can handle things anymore, she has a way of showing me how awesome it really is that I get to be her mom.

 While this is an older photo from about 5 months ago, (wow her hair has really grown!) I think it pretty accurately displays Ellie's "seriously mom, where the heck have you been I have been trapped in this cage yelling for you for an eternity and there can't possibly be anything more important for you to be doing than changing my vomit-worthy diaper" look.

This morning was filled with a much needed display of Ellie's genuinely sweet demeanor. While I was slumped on the couch with a blanket, trying to tune the world out, she brought me back with what is really a normal thing for her, but still gets me every time, loving on her stuffed animals. It made me get off of the couch and grab my camera, and I was smiling and talking with her within seconds as I tried to capture it all.

 She's a thumbsucker like her mommy was.

 The Ellie pucker! My favorite :)

How can I not see how wonderful life is? It really is the little things. While this doesn't change what has happened, and does not in any way discredit how (please excuse my word choice) extremely shitty life actually is right now, it can still brighten my day a little and keep me going. I guess she just makes me realize that life can be awful and beautiful, all at the same time. My brain doesn't tend to like this realization, and would much rather wallow in the fact that everything is coming down around me instead. Therefore I am eternally grateful that Ellie forces me into this realization, and gives me not only a literal purpose in life, but actually a joy in that purpose as well.


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