Sometimes looking at photos of Logan is unbearable. Seeing his face and memories simply brings up too many emotions of anger, sadness and unanswered questions. There are also times that I am just numb, and feel nothing when I see his photos. It's a strange sensation, but while other times the tears flow uncontrollably, at these times I couldn't cry if I tried. I just feel nothing. Today as I look through some of his old pictures, I am surprised to notice that there is some happiness and joy behind my tears of sadness from missing him. I am remembering some of the good times that I actually got to have with him with joy for having those moments instead of anger and sadness that I will never have them again. It reminds me of something that my old grievance counselor Marilyn Gryte had told me. It was something along the lines of this: when someone dies, you are initially mostly focused on the way that the person died, then just the fact that the person died, and finally that the person lived. While I still think that I might be in the phase of focusing on the fact that Logan died, that he is gone forever, I can see moments like today where I can focus more on the fact that he lived. That he had a few years of life, and memories with his friends and family. I am so thankful that I got to be his sister for the short time that I did. He was such a bright and complex person, and deep down I know he cared so deeply about his family and friends. Grief has a funny way of throwing your emotions around all over the place like that. Ask me tomorrow how I am feeling about Logan, and I will probably tell you that feeling thankful for the moments I had with him is stupid, that it isn't fair that he was taken too soon. That saying "at least I got the time with him that I did" isn't what I want to hear at all and discredits my sadness. That I don't even want to think about him.
For now at least, I can focus on what I am thankful for. I am so thankful Logan agreed to be in my wedding. This is a big one, considering his extreme aversion to having attention on him. He was also one of the most stubborn people I have ever met, especially at that point in his life. I was convinced that when Kevin asked him to be a groomsman for our wedding day that he was going to refuse and that there would be no changing his mind. Much to my and I think many other people's surprise, he agreed and followed through. I loved having my baby brother be a part of one of the best days of my life. I will never forget those memories.
|I absolutely love this picture, I am so happy he walked my mom down the aisle.|
|He looked so handsome and grown up.|