Saturday, November 30, 2013

Missing Bogi

Logan's tree. 
Today marks exactly three years since my brother Logan died. In the past, on the anniversary of his death, I have always had the feeling that it had just happened yesterday. For some reason this year, it feels more like it has been forever since it happened. Sometimes I worry that my memories of him are fading, like some irrational fear that he will be forgotten. I almost feel guilty enjoying myself during this time of year, like if I do I am showing him that I have moved on and that everything is okay without him here. But everything is not okay without him here. It never will be. I want him back so badly it hurts, but at least understanding and accepting the fact that it will not happen is getting somewhat easier with time. I know he wouldn't want anyone wallowing instead of enjoying themselves, and that helps a little too. He usually hated any attention on him at all. I remember attempting to get a senior picture out of him was like pulling teeth. Actually it was a lot of fun and I am so happy it was something I got to experience with him, but obviously being in front of the camera, just like being the center of attention, was something that made him pretty uncomfortable. Humor was usually how he coped.

Sometimes looking at photos of Logan is unbearable. Seeing his face and memories simply brings up too many emotions of anger, sadness and unanswered questions. There are also times that I am just numb, and feel nothing when I see his photos. It's a strange sensation, but while other times the tears flow uncontrollably, at these times I couldn't cry if I tried. I just feel nothing. Today as I look through some of his old pictures, I am surprised to notice that there is some happiness and joy behind my tears of sadness from missing him. I am remembering some of the good times that I actually got to have with him with joy for having those moments instead of anger and sadness that I will never have them again. It reminds me of something that my old grievance counselor Marilyn Gryte had told me. It was something along the lines of this: when someone dies, you are initially mostly focused on the way that the person died, then just the fact that the person died, and finally that the person lived. While I still think that I might be in the phase of focusing on the fact that Logan died, that he is gone forever, I can see moments like today where I can focus more on the fact that he lived. That he had a few years of life, and memories with his friends and family. I am so thankful that I got to be his sister for the short time that I did. He was such a bright and complex person, and deep down I know he cared so deeply about his family and friends. Grief has a funny way of throwing your emotions around all over the place like that. Ask me tomorrow how I am feeling about Logan, and I will probably tell you that feeling thankful for the moments I had with him is stupid, that it isn't fair that he was taken too soon. That saying "at least I got the time with him that I did" isn't what I want to hear at all and discredits my sadness. That I don't even want to think about him.

For now at least, I can focus on what I am thankful for. I am so thankful Logan agreed to be in my wedding. This is a big one, considering his extreme aversion to having attention on him. He was also one of the most stubborn people I have ever met, especially at that point in his life. I was convinced that when Kevin asked him to be a groomsman for our wedding day that he was going to refuse and that there would be no changing his mind. Much to my and I think many other people's surprise, he agreed and followed through. I loved having my baby brother be a part of one of the best days of my life. I will never forget those memories.

I absolutely love this picture, I am so happy he walked my mom down the aisle.

He looked so handsome and grown up.
I miss my brother every day. Holidays and days like today are the toughest. Luckily I have a great support system of family and friends, and plenty of distractions in life. My sister Sara is home visiting, and while she is still quite engrossed in her medical school responsibilities, it is always fun to spend time with her and see her with Ellie. We had an amazingly relaxing and enjoyable Thanksgiving, that so fittingly also happened to be my mom's birthday. I am so thankful for her! Spending more than two days straight with Kevin and Ellie, with the three of us as a family, has been amazing, I love it. Of course my little girl Ellie is the biggest distraction of all. She sure keeps my mind occupied. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving! Bring on the Christmas music and decorations!

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